While I am writing this post, I feel like this.
I was thinking about the 007 theme. One of the more feminine versions, not the original 1960's version which was more masculine. Can't find it online right now. I realized what this theme reminded me of, the theme of the interracial. There is a delicate blend of feminity and masculinity. The notes are half-notes, not whole notes. It feels like it is climbing into something. james bond is half-barbarian half-civilized.
My dad got offered a job as an Engineer before I was born. He declined the job to work as a waiter. I feel like my brain has his weakness, the weakness of mediocrity. I must fight the weakness and achieve greatness. Sometimes I wish he took the job and I was born to a White family. I don't hate my mother, I don't want to disown her at all, I love my mother and wish her a happy life. But deep down I wish I was born into a White family. Always my whole life I viewed myself as special, different, unique. But now I realize my uniqueness just alienates me. It is better to have someone the same as you than to be different from everyone else.
I talk to my white friend alot. The greatest gift I have been given from black society is my black cousins. Their IQ is about 120, higher than most. Otherwise, I don't really think there is anything much valuable from it.
I feel like my brain is somewhat limited by my black genes. I feel like I have the soul of a genius but my brain is like the Millennium Falcon where sometimes it just does not work, and you have to kick it to get it to work right. Some people say it is because females are less genius than males, and my mind is too feminine. But I know some transsexuals who are both prettier than me and better at physics than me. This makes me both awestruck and filled with inferior feelings of jealousy.
I had a dream recently I was a black woman. But I was a Hindu Indian kind of woman, not a masculine hood-mama like the one probably popping your mind. I was not a typical black woman like you'd imagine. During this dream, I was happy and content being black. But other times, I dream of white cities and the glory of the whites and American suburbia. I don't hate blacks, but I don't want to live around the ghetto.
I cannot tell the problem with the game industry, whether it is too white or not white enough. Sometimes, Blacks in games does feel out of place to me, like Jarno said one time. I think it is a matter of aesthetics, the brown color does not go with the color scheme. But if it was like a Greek sparta game, and there was a Black barbarian, or Ganondorf it would feel natural. I just don't like when they slap in characters that don't fit the game, just to be politically correct. In fact the feeling of political correctness is what makes me feel uncomfortable about the game franchise, like they are forcing it on me. I think political correctness is a poison for creativity.
Now the other thing is, I fell in love with games made by Whites and Japanese of the 90's. I think these games were good because they had 90's style pop music in theme, which had a hint of urban negro ghetto shuffle to it, but not too much. Kind of like skunk juice in a fine perfume.
Now the problem with modern games is, I cannot tell if they are White enough or Too White. I don't really care for ghetto games, but now I see a trend of games, especially indie, that are just so modernistic and white, and lack grit. Here's what I mean.
Now, the other thing is, because I am neither fully white nor fully black, I think about my death alot, and deep down I am a nice, and good person, and I am not going to a bad place after I die, I am a pure soul and a kind hearted person.
