How do I begin. My grandfather was the lodestone of society. He was part of a biker gang, he didn't get along with Nazis but he was still a badass reccist. In fact my whole family was reccists except my dad. My dad, indoctrinated from the 60's, was the one who took it upon himself to breed outside of his race. My grandpa was mad about it, but after seeing how my mom didn't act like a typical black person, he stopped being so reccist. Today, I confronted my father, blaming him for making me a freak of nature, wishing i was pure. Instead of sympathizing with me, he got mad, called me a reccist and said he did nothing wrong, that his whole idea for me was to change the world and end reccism. It wasn't about my happiness, living an easy life, or fitting in, it wasn't about me fitting into world, but rather, me changing world to fit into me. I got mad and said it wasn't just about me fitting into world, it was about not wanting to be a genetic freak of nature, then he went back into the 60's dogma about how race doesn't exist.
My grandpa was an atheist, like everyone else, it was my dad who decided to be a Christian. Everyone else in my family was reccist, or atheists, except my dad. My dad always thought he knew better than everyone else. After my grandpa died, that is when all good of society began to die. I remember when my grandpa was still alive. I had enthusiasm for my reptile pets, happy and joyful to be alive. After he died I no longer felt joy. No longer did I listen to and love Beatles music. The aryan feminity I used to embody, was going down the drain. After he died was when I started to decide to transition as trans. But nothing could fill the void no matter how hard I tried. He was the lodestone of society, and without him, there was no society.
I used to love legos when he was alive. But after he was gone, no more legos. Probably was some future sense, knowing they would ruin Star Wars. My Grandpa said it like it is. He said 80% of Catholic priests are pedos, which they probably are. My grandpa used to molest me, but even so, he did it in a mild, more civilized way than everyone else. And he only did it after I went through puberty, I was a very effete person. My grandpa wasn't a pedo, he was a hebe. Hebephiles are into teens, pedos are into kids. But Americans like to americanize language, not using language as tools of precision, but weapons of destruction.
My grandpa died from mexican cheese. Fake news lied about his death, saying he wasn't taking his meds, when he was and the meds they lied about even though the doctor never prescribed him the meds in the news. After my grandpa died, everything started to feel like toxic jewish masculinity. Not trying to hate on jews all I'm saying is jews are masculine. When my grandpa was alive, it was like nature was good and life was artsy fartsy. Then, afterwards. it became farty and crappy. I tried to rationalize and tell myself not to be nihilistic. But there was nothing anchoring me to a past, nothing real. Metaphorically, when he was still here, my brain was like some beacon of cosmic pure light. Then, after he was gone, it was like a black mold, began to rot my mind.
