Scenes from the Inter-Nets

Battling the Beast

Scene 1
Meetings



Two Knights meet in a pub for meed...


Knight of the Yellow Shroud
What brings you into these cursed lands, old knight?

Knight of Green Gables
I come to slay the beast!!! I come to rid these lands of it, and make the hillsides safe for wench and child!!! I come to be a hero...a protector!!!! Then I'll settle down and be a shepherd like my father was.


The Green Knight looks about anxiously


Knight of Green Gables
Iiis...is it big? Is it he..here?


Yellow Knight pulls back a chair with a feint smirk on his ruby lips


Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Be comforted old knight, the beast is in its cave in the mountains. It will not be coming to town on this night.
Are you fearful gallant knight?

Knight of Green Gables
Should I be? I mean, what's the worse that can happen?

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Well, it might shatter your shield, break your armor, pull down your tunic and expose your tiny testicles in public, before it cuts them off and hangs them over the Town Hall doors for all to see.

Knight of Green Gables
*gulp*
Ha...I laugh at the beast, though I am weary of it.
I need some more meed....
Barkeep!!!! Wench!!!
Anyone!!!!

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Do not be afraid, gallant knight for the beast is invincible....I mean ....it is not so.
Some say it is no more than a man wearing a beastly mask.
A fake.


Green Knight turns his mouth agape, his eyes wide


Knight of Green Gables
*surprised*
Really? A...a...man? Just a man, wearing horns and hooves?

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Indeed.
One who has faced it...him....more than once and triumphed,
told me so. One of the midget folk.
The Knight of the Purple People Eater.

Knight of Green Gables
Can it be vanquished,...sir?
Are you sure?

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
As sure as I am that I just soiled my panties that have been riding up my buttocks, gently caressing my needy sphincter, ever since I put them on this morning.
I have done so myself, more than on one occasion....although not as many times as the Purple People Eater Knight has.
*peering into the distance*
He's dreammmmy...150 pounds of finely muscled man-flesh.


Yellow Knight drifts of in internal imagery
The Green Knight peers at the Yellow Knight suspiciously


Knight of Green Gables
It felt good, did it not?
I mean slaying the beast?


The Yellow Knight shifts uncomfortably on his seat, as the serving wench
places two mugs full of meed on the table between them...a sneer exposes her stained teeth
The Knights pay no heed


Knight of Green Gables
I must be careful with the beast, for in our last encounter, though I got the better of it, I was severely injured.

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Oh?


The Green Knight is uncertain if this is an expression of curiosity or of
pain, as the Yellow Knight is pulling and prodding his undergarments
from in between his aluminum cod piece


Knight of Green Gables
Yes....it was a terrible affair. Right after...or was it before?...
I sent it flying into the wind, seeking refuge in its mountain shelter I fell into darkness.
Terrible dreams came to me, specters spreading pain in my nether regions, filling me with strange internal sensations.
Then I awoke in a terrible sweat, beneath a tree I could not recall seeing before.
My armor was cast aside, my tunic ripped to shreds, my sword shattered...and my....


The Green Knight hesitates, turning to look at the other patrons wondering if they could hear
The Yellow Knight senses the discomfort and is pulled away form his
incessant scratching and tugging. He peers at the Green Knight's eyes
with a knowing glance

He stretches his hand, now with no gauntlet, a
tiny brown smear on one of his gloved fingers, and takes the Green
Knight's armored hand

He feels the other's trembling


Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Do not fret, dear knight, for I have been there...and done that.


The Green Knight doesn't seem to hear, but is comforted by the touch...gaining the courage to go on...with a whisper


Knight of Green Gables
*whispering*
...my undergarments around my ankles.

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
I know....I know....Speak of it no more.
Such Pyrrhic victories need not be sung by minstrels and admired by young, succulent, boys in the prime of their vigor...
*gaze drifts of again*
..with tight pelvises and....


He pauses, noticing the others squint

The Yellow Knight clears his throat with discomfort on his face...


Knight of the Yellow Shroud
*cough*
What I mean to say was....that no one need know about this.
*cough*
These are deeds best kept between those who have shared in their...glory.


Suddenly the bar doors crashes open with a loud thud....footsteps are heard approaching from behind the tables, hard and heavy
.....*thud*.....*thud*...
a feint tinkling of spurs and a weird smell

The sound comes closer, rounding the last table

It's the Purple People Eater Knight in his full purple regalia...a feather on his helmet, out of place and a white dragon painted on his diminutive purple chest


Purple People Eater
Ah!!!! There you are my pupils!!!!

The Green Knight turns his head downward from his expected searching upwards, a surprised smile coming over his face

Knight of Green Gables
*giggle*
You...you were the one making all that racket? You?!!! Haaaa!!!

Purple People Eater
Yes, why...were you expecting the beast itself, you faggots?

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Don't be so hard on my friend, lover...I mean sire....he's never heard of you before this day.


The Yellow Knight blushes, casting tender glances down at the Purples Knight

His interest isn't reciprocated


Purple People Eater
You mean there are still wanna be Knights, in these lands who have not heard me name?!!!!


Anger flashes across his unshaven face

He struggles up to a chair with a huff


Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Some meed, sire?

Purple People Eater
Meed? Meed?!! I only drink manly drinks. An Ale of Root and a frozen cream topping....and you're paying bitch!!!

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Of course, of course, sire.


The Yellow Knight gestures at the serving wench to come over

Purple Knight turns to the Green Knight


Purple People Eater
So, you're my new pupil, come to learn from the master himself?


Green Knight looks at him confused


Knight of Green Gables
Ummm...I.....actually....I....was just having a meed with my new friend the Yellow Knight.

Purple People Eater
It'll cost you, my pupil. The secret I have to teach do not come cheap.


Green Knight looks to Yellow Knight for support

He doesn't get any


Knight of Green Gables
*drunk*
I....I don't thhhink you understood. I do noth come seeking knowledgthe. I was just sharing thtories with a friend.

Purple People Eater
Good...good....come tomorrow to my castle with ten chickens, a bottle of bat's blood, a turkey baster and some cotton. We'll get started right away.


The serving wench comes over
The Yellow Knight orders a drink for the Purple Knight

She scowls at the order of Ale of Root and shimming off


Purple People Eater
See that? See that, my pupils?! She how she was eating me alive with her eyes? She knows a man when she sees one.
I'm a hit with the wenches Green... guy. If you want to be like me watch and learn, my pupil.


The Green Knight is a bit tipsy now....his eyes heavy, his tongue getting thick


Knight of Green Gables
Fuck you!!! I jussst wan to thave people...you idiot! I jus wan to be goood.


Purple Knight goes on as if he heard nothing


Purple People Eater: Yeah, so here's the deal, my pupils, my surfs.
I'm in charge, you see, and you guys are my minions. I'm like a ....king.
First deed...destroy that beast.
He's really pissing me off now.

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
But...but....sweetheart...I thought you took care of him.

Purple People Eater
I did, my pupil...but that creature has ten heads and twelve arms and big teeth. Ugly motherfucker.
Not pretty like me. Not manly and courageous like your truly.
One big, ugly, dangerous, cowardly piece of shit.
Keeps growing new heads.
But I've got a plan and it includes both of you.

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Us, sire? But I was about to go home and change my panties.

Knight of Green Gables
Fuck you prith. Who, da fuck do you tink you aaaaa....
*thump*


Green Knight falls unconscious on the table....his mouth drooling a bit of vomit


Purple People Eater
This time I've got a secret weapon. Dirty monster is done for. I'll be rid of his sorry ass forever!!!

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Secret weapon, sire? What is it?


Purple Knight turns to look at the Yellow one coyly. He smiles knowingly, as the serving wench brings him his "ale" with a straw

He flashes her a smile and a wink
Her face shrivels into an expression of disgust and she hurries away


Purple People Eater
That's right, my pupil....a secret. Not for free.
But because you've been a good pupil I'll give you a hint.


The Yellow Knight's face brightens and he leans forward, preparing to hear the whisper...
because secrets are always exchanged in hushed voices

He's forgotten about his panties


Knight of the Yellow Shroud
What is it sire? Tell me, oh please tell me.

Purple People Eater
It's words, my pupil!!! Ha....WORDS!!!!


The Purple Knights voice booms loudly disturbing the Green ones slumber and adding a fresh coat of feces on the Yellow one's string panties

The Yellow Knights stares back in disbelief


Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Words...sire?!

Knight of Green Gables
Turds....what turds? Who said that?

Spittle exploding from his mouth and trickling down his bearded chin

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Hush you idiot. The Dragon Master is about to say something brilliant.


He looks around hoping nobody heard
Nobody notices

The Green Knight turns towards the Purple Knight his eyes half, glazed with sleep


Purple People Eater
That's right my pupils.


A self-righteous smirk on his mug countenance
The Purple knight twiddles with the air beneath his nose, as if twirling a mustachio


Knight of the Yellow Shroud
What....kids of words, sire?! Words of the magi...chants...

Purple People Eater
Shhhhh....can't say right now.


Places fingers over Yellow's lips to silence him


Purple People Eater
All you need to know for now is that words are powerful, words are strong, words can cut and make one bleed. Words kill, my pupil...my stooge.
I've slaughtered armies with my suggestions; destroyed nations with my tone; annihilated entire species with a verb; made wenches weep in ecstasy with my...tongue; made kings weak to the knees with my lips.

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
I have no doubt.


A sly look comes over him. His finger comes to his mouth, pulling at his lower lip suggestively


Knight of the Yellow Shroud
You're a pocket dynamo aren't you, precious? You've made me a bit weak to the knees, purple devil.


The purple one glances at the yellow one with some consternation...then shrugs and goes on after taking a sip from his drink


Purple People Eater
I'm going to make that beast beg form my mercy. He'll curse the day he dared to embarrass me in public by giving me a wedgey.

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Mmmmmmmm

Purple People Eater
Here's the plan, my pupils, my minions, my serfs. On the morrow we head out into the mountains to find the ghastly creature and decapitate all ten heads of it with curses and slanderous terms.

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Should we bring our spears and...pokers, or only a change of pant....underwear?

Purple People Eater
Take your friend and rest. Tonight I have a town of bitches to seduce...and tomorrow glory awaits.
I'll meet you and him on the edge of town at midnight.


The Purple knight rises, or jumps off the chair, grasping at his sword which appears to be longer than he is
He disappears amongst the table legs


Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Midnight? What about my beauty....

He falls silent as the purple one has gone.
He turns to the Green Knight who is now wobbling in total confusion, playing with the glasses.

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Come bitch...we have things to do. But first I need to get my rocks off before I go to my doom on the morrow. You'll have to do.


Sweeps hands over his long braided hair
.

Knight of Green Gables
Is it gonna hurt...

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
It better...





.....To Be Continued.....

Scene 2
Edge of Town


A yellow clad Knight shifts on his feet, stroking the pink and white roses on his helmet's crest

There's a yellow rose on his chest plate, contrasting with the purple one on left side...
the side of his heart

He's whispering softly but nervously to himself


Knight of the Yellow Shroud
*whisper*
Oh, where is he, where is he?
Where is that little ball of dynamite that reduces me to a pile of nitric acid with a single glance?


Next to him a green clad Knight with his helmet off, rubbing his head and clutching at his groin


Knight of Green Gables
What the fuck are we doing here and why are you so damn nervous?

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
We're supposed to meet the Purple Knight here, you idiot.
Don't you recall our conversation at all?

Knight of Green Gables
No, can't say that I do.
All I recall is this kid marching up to us while we were talking, dressed like a clown.

Who lets kids into a tavern? it's immoral!
Someone might get hurt.

Then....some hazy shit...words mostly...more words...some more words...
followed by a turbulent night of girlish but not quite, screaming and then dreams of females with no breasts riding me like I was a steed.
Very bizarre.

Shit my head hurts...and my groin, for some reason.
I feel drained.

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
*whisper*
Not as bad as my anus...my stallion.


Rubbing his behind


Knight of Green Gables
What?

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Um, nothing...nothing...
Are you sure you don't remember anything about last night?

Knight of Green Gables
Well, you were there...I think...

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
*nervously*
I was?

Knight of Green Gables
Yes...dressed like some kind of princess...and you were on top of me...

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
*under his breath*
Oh shit.
*louder*
It was a dream, you fool.
You just keep an eye and ear out for the purple one.

Knight of Green Gables
Listen man...I came here to save mankind and to make the world a safer place.
What the hell do I want with a purple Knight?

I need a drink, that's what I want.


Suddenly the hard thuds of approaching feet
It sounds like a giant elephant is coming nearer and will soon explode out of the night
*thud*...*thud*...*thud*...
It sounds like the beast itself
Big
Strong
Heavy with pride and knowledge and power
...*thud*....*thud*...*thud*...
Then...
Rustling in the night
and out from behind a small bush a tiny Knight appears
armed and armored in a deep purple

On his small head a huge helmet adorned on either side with ram's horns


Purple People Eater
I have come!!!
My pupils, gather about me, bask in my presence, for the night is short and we have a ways to go.

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Ah!
Oh my, darling, I was so worried.

Purple People Eater
What say you?

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
*ahem*
I say, my liege, that we have been here nearly an hour awaiting your cum...coming.
We have grown concerned.

Knight of Green Gables
*pointing to purple*
Who's the kid?


Yella begins talking quickly and loudly to cover the slight

Purple doesn't seem to notice


Knight of the Yellow Shroud
He's our master, me lord.
The one who shall lead us to glory.
He has offered to guide us to the beast's den, where he will slay the monster single-handedly as we applaud, offering only our meager support as needed.
*turning to purple*
We are at your command, sire.

Knight of Green Gables
What's with the getup little one?
Are we going to a Dionysian festival?
I hope we are.


Green looks amused but the throbbing headache makes him look constipated


Purple People Eater
These horns, my minion, are meant to teach the beast a lesson.
Before another night falls it will know who the true monster really is.
I will expose him as a fake...and take his place as the most hated man-thing alive.

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
You look so horny, my liege.
I love bad boysss.
*tugs at braids*
I hope nobody gets rammed with one of those horns, your horninesss. It hurts to get impaled when you least expect it.
I should know.

Purple People Eater
What are you talking about?


Green interrupts, much to the relief of Yella


Knight of Green Gables
Just point me in the right direction, give me a few witches herbs for this ache in my head and, surprisingly, also for my inflamed scrotum and then... instill in me the courage to go in and kill that wretched beast that has spread fear and diarrhea throughout the inter-lands.

But before all that...get me some ale.

Purple People Eater
There's no time for drinking and carousing, old squire....

Knight of Green Gables
I'm a Paladin...

Purple People Eater
...now is the time for great deeds and courage.
When the time comes, young one, and you have witnessed my glory, only to repeat it across the inter-lands, I shall purchase a gobbler of ale, for you and for Yellow, myself.

Knight of Green Gables
I'm fifty years old.

Purple People Eater
Yes...you are.
Pupils...walk behind me to enjoy the spectacle of my gate.
Fall back and learn how to walk.


He pushed into the dark


Knight of the Yellow Shroud
With pleasssure...

Knight of Green Gables
Is anyone else scared?
Is anyone else thirsty?


They trek onward through grassy fields and up steep crags

Soon night turns to day and it finds them single file on top of a high peek
before a cave entrance

On the side a huge purple banner flutters in the wind
A white dragon on it


Purple People Eater
Here squires lies the field of my honor...

Knight of Green Gables
I'm a Knight.

Purple People Eater
Here is where I've slay the monster many a time, earning my infamy and this emblem; here is where I shall right it's final chapter...and you...you two pupils shall find glory in seeing me rise to the heavens.

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
You're great!!!


Yella slaps his gauntlets together, as women do, in a frenzy of metallic clatter


Purple People Eater
I know squire...I know.

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
I love you.

Purple People Eater
Come again?

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
I said....
I'll be right behind you....where I really want to be.

Purple People Eater
Do not be afraid, brave squire.
You are in my presence.
I shall protect you with my mass.


Green pulls out a small mickey from his pocket


Knight of Green Gables
I knew I had forgotten something.


He takes a swig from it

Liquid courage


Purple People Eater
*gesturing to Green*
Fall back, little one...

Knight of Green Gables
I'm two feet taller than you.

Purple People Eater
...this is a job for a real man.


Purple enters the cave and is engulfed by the dark

Yella and Green look at each other in apprehension


Knight of Green Gables
Is that midget for real?

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Hussssh, ssilly monkey.
He might hear you.

Knight of Green Gables
I don't think he can hear anything which is not flattering.
He has selective hearing.
It goes over his head.

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Yessss...but sooooo macho!
A little nugget of tessstosssterone.
Come along...this is ssssso much fun.
Weeee!!!!


Yella, hops and skips into the cave, his yellow cape dancing behind him like a ballerina
Then...
A sudden girlish screech is heard from inside the cave


Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Eeeeek!!!
It'sss Sso dark in here!
Dragon!! Ooh, ooh...Dragon!!
Help me.
I might sssscratch mysself in thisss place!
Oh...my...gad

Purple People Eater
Just follow my booming, manly voice, my slave!
I'll teach you what it means to be a man.

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
*whisper*
Jee, I hope so
*louder*
I'm coming, Dragon! Guide me to your manhood!!!
Make me come...to you!!!


Green shakes his head, pulls off his backpack and lights a torch...


Knight of Green Gables
*mumbling*
Should have stayed home saving women from sexists and blacks from racists...spreading the love uniformly around.


He enters the cave




.....To Be Continued.....

Scene 3
Into the Dark


They stumble for hours in the caves, a dim light flickering against the walls, casting shadows


Knight of the Yellow Shroud
*shrill*
This place is sso damp
I'm going to get hivesss all over my skin


The Yella one scrambles under his tunic and pulls out a flask


Knight of the Yellow Shroud
*whispering to himself*
There you are you silly cream
*louder*
Yoo-hoo, mister purple knight....
would you mind ssspreading ssome of thiss over my face?
Be a darling.

Purple People Eater
*looking perplexed*
No time for that, my pupil
We must rest for the night
*gesturing to the Green one*
Come, my slave, build a fire here with these remnants of a failed venture


He points to a dead body
Next to it some twigs and shreds of a decomposing tunic



Knight of the Yellow Shroud
*shrill*
Ahhhh
What iss that?
It loooksss nassty

Knight of Green Gables
Relax tuts
It's a dead guy
We'll rest here, have a bite to eat because tomorrow we shall slay that vile monster that has been plaguing mankind with his lies

Purple People Eater
*lying down*
Yes, my noble surf
On the morrow you shall witness my final victory
Come...cook for me...entertain me...

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
*smiling*
Can I ssit next to you.me lord?
Thanksss

Knight of Green Gables
All we got is this bottle of empty whiskey
Want a whiff kid?

Purple People Eater

*shaking his head negatively*

No matter
I can beat the monster on an empty stomach

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Iss he mean, sssire?
I've heard that the beassst has killed many people
He sssounds like a meany

Purple People Eater
*laughs*
Do not be scared my pupil
The beast is all talk and no action
i have vanquished it more than once on the field of battle
It is probably more afraid of I than you are of it

Knight of Green Gables
Yeah, I've defeated the monster myself
No big deal

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
Ssso have I,
come to think of it
Now that I remebered it wassn't so terrible
all hot air and vile wordssss
It made me blush

Purple People Eater
Perhaps, my surfs we have all defeated the beast
under my tutelage
but none have completely mastered it as I have
Bow before me!

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
*lowering his head towards his crotch*
You're ssso sssexy, me lord
Might I pleasssure you before the fight?

Purple People Eater
Later!!!
Now I must preserve my energies for the big fight

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
*dissapointed*
Of courssse, master
Maybe later

Knight of Green Gables
How will you do it midget?
I mean you're all brave, and shit, but you're tiny
From what I can recall
the beast is big and vicious
It uses big words and is slippery like a snake
He's a devil incarnate!!!
Can you really handle him or were you lying before?

Purple People Eater
Minions
Tomorrow I shall give you a great gift
I will teach you, for free, a huge lesson in battle and in thinking
I shall slay the creature with nothing but words

Knight of Green Gables
Words?
Like sentences you mean?

Purple People Eater
Yes, slave
I will rape it with my verbiage and penetrate it with my cutting remarks.
I shall convince it that it is defeated without even raising my sword

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
The tongue and lipppsss can be mightier than the blade,
my lord

Purple People Eater
You'll have to take precautions
of course
for my words are so powerful than they might have a profound effect upon both of you novices as well
I suggest keeping your distance
The reverberating crescendo of my vocal fluctuations might cause you to lose sphincter control and experience bowel movements

Knight of the Yellow Shroud
*blushing*
Oh my...
I think I might wet my panties right now

Knight of Green Gables
Yeah...
I feel like pissing in my pants also


Purple People Eater
Sleep now
pupils
in the morning ....
glory!!!



.....To Be Continued.....