Satyr's Comedy Corner

Nelson At Trafalgar 2011




Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."


Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the

meaning of this?"


Hardy: "Sorry sir?"


Nelson (reading aloud): England expects every person to do his or her

duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious

persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"


Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities

employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England " past the

censors, least it be considered racist."



Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."



Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated

smoke-free working environments."


Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the

main brace to steel the men before battle."


Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the

Government's policy on binge drinking."


Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full

speed ahead."


Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this

stretch of water."


Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in

history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's

nest, please."


Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."


Nelson: "What?"


Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness;

and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let

anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."



Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.."


Hardy: "He's busy making a wheelchair access to the foredeck

Admiral."


Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."


Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-

free environment for the differently abled."


Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse

even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral

by playing the disability card."


Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in

the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."


Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."


Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't

let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want

anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"



Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell

the men to stand by to engage the enemy."



Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."



Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"



Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just they're afraid of being

charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of

legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."



Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"



Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."



Nelson: "We're not?"



Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners

now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in

this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."



Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."



Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying

that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."



Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your

King."



Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural

age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"



Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum,

sodomy and the lash?"



Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on

corporal punishment."



Nelson: "What about homosexuality?"



Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."



Nelson: "In that case................... kiss me, Hardy."

D.H.Lawrence.

To Women, As Far As I'm Concerned

"The feelings I don't have I don't have.
The feelings I don't have, I won't say I have.
The felings you say you have, you don't have.
The feelings you would like us both to have, we
neither of us have.
The feelings people ought to have, they never have.
If people say they've got feelings, you may be pretty
sure they haven't got them
So if you want either of us to feel anything at all
you'd better abandon all idea of feelings altogether."


Wild Things in Captivity

"Wild things in captivity
while they keep their own wild purity
won't breed, they mope, they die.

All men are in captivity,
active with captive activity,
and the best won't breed, though they don't know why.

The great cage of our domesticity
kills sex in a man, the simplicity
of desire is distorted and twisted awry.

And so, with bitter perversity,
gritting against the great adversity,
they young ones copulate, hate it, and want to cry.

Sex is a state of grace.
In a cage it can't take place.
Break the cage then, start in and try."

Lyssa wrote:

D.H.Lawrence.

The great cage of our domesticity
kills sex in a man, the simplicity
of desire is distorted and twisted awry.

And so, with bitter perversity,
gritting against the great adversity,
they young ones copulate, hate it, and want to cry.

Sex is a state of grace.
In a cage it can't take place.
Break the cage then, start in and try.

Isn't this beautiful?

Yes, and sadly persecuted for his anti-feminist views as a Pornographer.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/D._H._Lawrence

Devolution of Philosophy:

Ha!!!!

He be one edumucated Negra....

Mmm..... crispy.

I don't find that guy funny at all. Kinda reminds me of Colbert. Left-wing fella mocking the right while smirking at his audience of hollering goons. Too obviously taking sides politically.

He's a typical secular humanist Jew.
The flip-side to the nihilism of Christianity.

He's funny because he exposes the hypocrisy of the system.